Return of The Blob

Like a bad horror movie sequel, I’m back.  There’s no hiding behind the big belly anymore.  The time has come for me to tackle the unfortunate task of reclaiming my bod.  Now that I no longer have the large baby in front to counter balance my butt, I can see it in all its square footage glory, and let me tell ya… it’s not pretty.

Since even the slowest pace walking would set off a series of contractions, I was unable to really exercise much past my 4th month of being with child.  The other day was unusually warm, so I arranged it with superdad to go for a walk when he got home from work.  By the time I got out the door, the sun had already gone down, but no worries, it was still warm enough to go sans-jacket.

I slapped on my headphones & cranked up the iPod.  I had recently synched it up with some sweet new tunes, & I was ready to go.  I honestly don’t know how anyone exercises without listening to good music…. I guess I just haven’t achieved that kind of zen state yet…. Anyway, it (the music) was so good, in fact, that I was feeling like I might actually be able to step things up to a jog.  So, off I went, not at all put off by the fact that I tripped over the landscape edging on the way out, cursing in front of my über-conservative neighbor.

Now, when I say “jog”, what I really mean is “hobble”.  Seriously, there were grannies passing me on their walkers.  And I stupidly went out without a sports bra, so I was forced to hobble with both forearms tightly held against my new set of gadunka dunks, lest they hit me in the face or, worse, the knees… which reminds me– to the person who recently suggested that I’ll probably “bounce right back” after the baby,  let’s just say that while yes,  there was plenty of “bouncing” going on… there was also a good dose of flapping, jiggling, gasping, and maybe even a dry heave or two.

Despite my ridiculous display, I managed to make it a full 30 minutes without stopping.  I was feeling pretty good as I approached the last block on my leg home, when out of nowhere, this really obnoxious section of sidewalk literally leapt up, grabbed my foot, and tackled me to the ground.  I guess the small fire that started from the friction between my thighs was not enough to illuminate my way, and I ended up biting it with two bloody knees, a scraped up hand, and a big ol’ hole in one of the only pairs of pants that still fits me.

Bummer.  At least, since it was dark out, I don’t think anyone saw my complete and utter shame as I picked myself up and, this time, literally hobbled back home.

I must have looked like I just got attacked by a bear in the woods when I limped in the door,  hair halfway falling out of my clip, dried mulch and leaves randomly attached to my clothing, blood dripping from various body parts.

“What the hell happened to you?” Bill asked, half wondering if some other life form had replaced the woman that had walked out the door only a short time ago.

“I decided to go for a jog”, I replied, “I wouldn’t recommend it”.


Anyway, the point is…. I survived!  Now I have no excuse, I know I can do it… me and my trusty iPod… which, by the way, here is a small sampling of some of the songs that got my butt moving:  

  1. Dr. Yang,  Ben Folds
  2. Momentum,  Aimee Mann
  3. Honey White,  Morphine
  4. Bathwater,  No Doubt
  5. Big Wheel,  Tori Amos
  6. Los Angeles,  Frank Black
  7. Pump It,  The Black Eyed Peas


Yeah, they’re not all exactly “current”, buy hey, it’s gets me moving.  What’s on your iPod?





17 Responses

  1. Oh Wow, Lauren….I hate to hear the first day that you got out there you had to fight a bear! *smiles*

    Good Luck next time…At least now you know where not to jog, avoiding that part of the sidewalk.

  2. Haha – this cracked me up! 🙂
    30 minutes is awesome, way to go!

    I was going to ask what was on your Ipod, thanks for posting some tunes.
    My favourites right now are:
    When I grow up – pussycat dolls
    So what – pink
    Disturbia – Rhianna
    Super bitch – Christina Aguilera
    Stupid shit – Girlicious
    If I were a boy – Beyonce
    If today was your last day – Nickelback
    If u seek Amy – Britney
    Amnesia – Britney
    Single Ladies – Beyonce
    Halo – Beyonce

  3. Hope you aren’t hurt too badly, but I did have to laugh while reading this. You will bounce back! How’s the little bundle doing?

  4. Didn’t the small fire between your thighs cause the the baby in your belly in the first place…now thats what I am talking about.

    I crack myself up.

    You are a very funny writer.

  5. Oh goodness, woman I know how you feel. I have done that too!

    I bet my ass has more square footage and I didnt bake a kid. Exercise resumes next week….whoo hoo, trippin and fallin here I come.

  6. First off, congratulations that you are able to run for 30 minutes non-stop! I’ve been working out for over a month now and there is no way that I could do that … maybe I’m just lazy.

    Second … so sorry that you have skinned knees … but now you have something else to relate to your little men, heh!

    My fave tunes right now are

    Suddenly I see – KT Tungstill
    You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid – OffSpring
    Disturbia – Rihanna
    Shut Up and Drive – Rihanna
    Whatever You Like – TI
    If You Seek Amy – B. Spears

    And then I usually start it over so that I can get the Gonna go far kid song in one more time because I really like to do the elliptical to that one!

  7. I avoid exercise at all costs.

  8. You’re a seriously funny person and this is a seriously terrific post! Thank you for such a good laugh! 🙂

    Congratulations on surviving the 30-minute jog, too bad it had to end with skinned knees and a scraped hand…

  9. I’m totally LOLing at this post. Hilarious! I hope you’re healing, and that you find a good new pair of pants.

    I don’t have an iPod (GASP!). My iPhone can play music, but I don’t have any loaded on it. And I was a music major! Sacrilege, I know.

  10. i think i am one of those freaks that exercises without music 😦 haha!!


  11. oh no–your only pair of pants that still fit! It’s taking me a lot longer to “bounce back” after my second baby than I had hoped…

    No more jogging for a bit, eh?! Relax –you deserve a rest, after all Jackson’s only a couple of weeks old and you had quite a work out when he was born!

    I can’t exercise without music or something to distract me either…

  12. LOL!! I can totally relate and sympathize! I still have a scar from about a year ago on my knee, and gravel imprints in one palm. While walking the dog and trying to look cool walking by the local coffee house, I tripped on the dang sidewalk. Dog in one hand and a bag of pooh in the other. Mind you I didn’t want to crush my yorkie, so I tried to save myself by hopping forward, and just skidded to a stop on my knees and hands. Hurt like a mother, but I laughed all the way home with torn bloody knees and hands and a safe dog and intact bag of pooh. But a bruised ego as it happened in front of about 15 people, and no one even asked to help! Now that is sad.

  13. I guess even in a neighborhood where it’s safe to go jogging after dark (what’s that like?) it’s not really safe! Funny post! 🙂

    My workout mix is mostly not current either. But some of my faves are (Pump It! but also):
    Machinehead – Bush
    Toxic – Britney Spears
    If You’re Gonna… – Natasha Bedingfield
    Smooth Criminal – Alien Ant Farm (or MJ, your choice, but I like SC for working out)
    Beautiful People – Marilyn Manson (normally hate him, but this one’s great for cardio)
    Any of Jamiroquai’s fast ones, but especially Canned Heat or Use the Force

  14. I am in awe you can jog after having the baby 3 weeks ago. I would have knocked myself out with all the boobage flinging around!
    Sorry about your skinned knees, but hey girlie, relax when you can!

    I haven’t got a new fangled i-pod but we got a huge industrial strength treadmill for a Christmas present to each other. Sometimes the weather is just not good for a long walk. Out in the countryside it is so dark here I could really injure myself by falling into a pothole! Running or walking on the treadmill is quite boring so I need some good music to listen to, I must make up a oldie- moldie music tape just for me. I don’t think for a minute you will be impressed with my selection. I am not worried about cardio. I sing really loudly to them and undoubtedly badly, but I love it!
    My music tape would be:
    It’s a Beautiful Morning – The Rascals
    Tusk -Fleetwood Mac
    Brown Eyed Girl- Van Morrison
    Waterloo Sunset- The Kinks
    Until You Come Back to Me- Aretha Franklin
    Summer in the City – Lovin’ Spoonful
    Love is the Drug- Roxy Music
    Once in a Lifetime- Talking Heads
    Rock Lobster – B-52’s
    L-O-V-E – Al Green
    Cool for Cats- Squeeze
    Dancing in the Moonlight- Toploader
    Dreadlock Holiday- 10cc
    Walls Come Tumbling Down- The Style Council
    A Gal in Calico- The Manhattan Transfer

    Cheerio- X

  15. I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortunes but I did….a lot.

    I love Justin Timberlake, John Mayer and Daughtry for my ipod music.

  16. You, young miss, are HYSTERICAL! I love how you write! Love how the obnoxious sidewalk tackled you and I loved the fire and thigh thing, THEN I loved what your husband wrote in response to that. You guys seriously crack me up!

    How you continued on without a sports bra I will NEVER know. I have not nursed a child in about 7 years and *I* need a sports bra just to walk through the house or drum on “Guitar Hero : World Tour”. I wear one to the gym and don’t even exert myself. Never mind huge knockers that are all sensitive and full of milk!

    What I am saying is, you GO GIRL! Hang in there and keep at it. My body bounced back right after my first two boys…son #3 came along and I was not melting the flubber off AT ALL. After my 4th…things got REAL scary. I now weigh ten lbs MORE than I did 9 months pregnant with any of my kids. LEARN FROM ME! DO NOT LET THIS BE YOU! Keep on jogging…just DO NOT forget your sports bra, you don’t want them casabas poking an eye out, do ya??

  17. […] after my recent running debacle I thought it best to stick to indoor activities for the time being, so I’ve been making it […]

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