Like a bad horror movie sequel, I’m back. There’s no hiding behind the big belly anymore. The time has come for me to tackle the unfortunate task of reclaiming my bod. Now that I no longer have the large baby in front to counter balance my butt, I can see it in all its square footage glory, and let me tell ya… it’s not pretty.
Since even the slowest pace walking would set off a series of contractions, I was unable to really exercise much past my 4th month of being with child. The other day was unusually warm, so I arranged it with superdad to go for a walk when he got home from work. By the time I got out the door, the sun had already gone down, but no worries, it was still warm enough to go sans-jacket.
I slapped on my headphones & cranked up the iPod. I had recently synched it up with some sweet new tunes, & I was ready to go. I honestly don’t know how anyone exercises without listening to good music…. I guess I just haven’t achieved that kind of zen state yet…. Anyway, it (the music) was so good, in fact, that I was feeling like I might actually be able to step things up to a jog. So, off I went, not at all put off by the fact that I tripped over the landscape edging on the way out, cursing in front of my über-conservative neighbor.
Now, when I say “jog”, what I really mean is “hobble”. Seriously, there were grannies passing me on their walkers. And I stupidly went out without a sports bra, so I was forced to hobble with both forearms tightly held against my new set of gadunka dunks, lest they hit me in the face or, worse, the knees… which reminds me– to the person who recently suggested that I’ll probably “bounce right back” after the baby, let’s just say that while yes, there was plenty of “bouncing” going on… there was also a good dose of flapping, jiggling, gasping, and maybe even a dry heave or two.
Despite my ridiculous display, I managed to make it a full 30 minutes without stopping. I was feeling pretty good as I approached the last block on my leg home, when out of nowhere, this really obnoxious section of sidewalk literally leapt up, grabbed my foot, and tackled me to the ground. I guess the small fire that started from the friction between my thighs was not enough to illuminate my way, and I ended up biting it with two bloody knees, a scraped up hand, and a big ol’ hole in one of the only pairs of pants that still fits me.
Bummer. At least, since it was dark out, I don’t think anyone saw my complete and utter shame as I picked myself up and, this time, literally hobbled back home.
I must have looked like I just got attacked by a bear in the woods when I limped in the door, hair halfway falling out of my clip, dried mulch and leaves randomly attached to my clothing, blood dripping from various body parts.
“What the hell happened to you?” Bill asked, half wondering if some other life form had replaced the woman that had walked out the door only a short time ago.
“I decided to go for a jog”, I replied, “I wouldn’t recommend it”.
Anyway, the point is…. I survived! Now I have no excuse, I know I can do it… me and my trusty iPod… which, by the way, here is a small sampling of some of the songs that got my butt moving:
- Dr. Yang, Ben Folds
- Momentum, Aimee Mann
- Honey White, Morphine
- Bathwater, No Doubt
- Big Wheel, Tori Amos
- Los Angeles, Frank Black
- Pump It, The Black Eyed Peas
Yeah, they’re not all exactly “current”, buy hey, it’s gets me moving. What’s on your iPod?